And, boy, do I need it! I have lost a lot of what little fluency I had acquired. But it is slowly returning. It is amazing how quickly your memory discards things your brain thinks it doesn't need anymore. LOL. But this was no sudden decline. In fact, it has been a long and disheartening process. In retrospect, it is clear that the most fluency I had was during my undergraduate time at Plattsburgh State. During those years I would meet for Spanish class normally 3 times per week. And if I met with my various professors outside of class, that time was normally spent interacting in Spanish. But once I graduated, that all changed.
I began going to Albany to pursue my Master's and only met once or twice a week depending on which days my classes fell. And, I thought I was hot stuff, at the top of my game, until I realized that the majority of the native English speakers all spoke much more fluently than me, not to mention, of course, the native Spanish speakers who were (expectedly) in a whole other league. I began to feel more and more that my Spanish-speaking skills were less and less adequate for a scholarly setting and I began to clam up, and not even really try to participate in the class discussions. That only worsened things for me to the point that whenever I had to speak Spanish in any setting of more than one other person besides myself I became panic-stricken. That, in turn, started a cycle of self-doubt in my ability to achieve what I had entered that program to obtain, to the point that it became a self-fulfilled prophesy and I left the program. In all fairness to myself, I was not in good health and the straw that broke the camel's back was a backward fall down my attic stairs (Sept 09) in which I snapped the tip of my left should bone (the acromion process, if anyone cares to look it up), unbeknownst to me for a month, when I then had it x-rayed because it was not healing like the rest of my aches and pains did from the fall. That was rock bottom for me and I gave up my studies. As it was, it took nearly a year to get to the point where it didn't hurt to carry my bookbag on that side or drive with my left hand steering, like I normally did, back and forth to Albany. I even had to learn to sleep on my right side because I could no longer do so on the left. But eventually I regained my full range of motion.
However, I have yet to return to complete my Master's and now I am not sure that I will at all. Maybe at some point down the road, but somehow during all that went on I kind of lost my drive. I did discover though that staying home in my panel-lined apartment was NOT the answer. After the following academic year began in which I did not return, I began to feel myself a failure and was spiraling toward a depression in the winter of 2009-2010 the likes of which I had never experienced. I needed to do something. For a long time the idea of being a tutor for Literacy Volunteers had appealed to me. I am a huge proponent of learning and I think it is essential to be able to read and read well. I had to join LV, for my own health. And it did for me what I needed. It gave me a sense of purpose again, outside of myself, to get myself motivated and interacting with people in a positive way. My LV students think I have done so much for them, but they do not realize what they have done for ME. I cannot thank them enough. Because of that one step, I have become more integrated in life again.
The next step in that reintergration was joining the Friday Night Spanish Conversation Group. (There's even a Facebook page now!) My brother Tim had called me and asked if I was planning on going because he had seen an advertisement in the paper and he and a friend were considering going. I jumped at the opportunity and am SO grateful I did. Slowly I am regaining my passion for language (still not sure about taking up the completion of the Master's yet). I had lost sight of all the things that gave me pleasure for too long. It was time to reinvigorate myself. And the group has been just the thing to give me that impetus.
The group fluctuates in size. We started out in late January of this year and slowly participants began to drop off. There have been evenings in which only 3 of us have shown up. But we are seeing a bit of growth for the moment. There is one young woman who is a summer PhD student here from Murcia, Spain and just last Friday some others from Pamplona, Spain (here for July) and from Mexico have joined in. Friday was the first time in which there were more native Spanish speakers present than native English speakers. The conversation was interesting, lively and we laughed a great deal. It is medicine for my soul to have this kind of interchange. Languages are such a part of my passion in life that I see how the lack of them affected me so adversely.
And as for my panic I mentioned above, well it is still there but slowly it is dissipating. I think one reason why is because recently a friend of mine, Margarita Garcia Notario, and I had breakfast at her home. She is from Spain and was one of my professors at Plattsburgh State, practically the only one I have any contact with anymore. I am glad we have remained friends all this time. Anyway, part of our discussion included my studies and leaving them and my severe lack of confidence in uttering the Spanish language and she said something that struck home for me. She said the reason she thinks the lack of confidence is such strong factor in my struggle with conversing is because I am too much of a perfectionist. (Has she seen my housekeeping? She might think otherwise....HAHAHAHA!). When I make a mistake while speaking, I recognize it immediately and it starts a snowball effect with each utterance I make, so I make MORE mistakes, which then makes me more nervous and the vicious cycle just spins out of control. She thinks I do not give myself permission to make mistakes and she's right. Ever since she mentioned it I have thought deeply about what she said and how it has played such a gigantic role in my life. Yet something else it has forced me to realize is to look at my reasons for pursuing a Master's. If I finish, it will be for self-improvement and perhaps to enable me to use my Spanish in a professional setting. Before all of this my drive was different. My perception was that if I didn't pursue and finish a Master's, then I would be unsuccessful. But I was rating myself on other people's perceptions of reality. I think I HAVE obtained a level of success in my life. I have a good job, my kids are health and love me and know I love them, as do others in my life with whom I have relationships. To me it isn't about a title or a document that says I am "somebody", or about who I know and whose name I can drop to impress others. I missed my kids, I was not in good health and I needed to regroup and reprioritze. Maybe I am not a perfect mom, a perfect scholar or a perfect individual, but it is that very imperfection that makes one realize how important it is to enjoy life and not feel that after all is said and done you have regrets. Nor is it about what prestige you acquire or how much money you make. All of that is not worth squat if you do not have love and you do not have passion for something greater than yourself and your own little circle of people.
So, it is long overdue that I give myself persmission to be as fallible and imperfect as I am and embrace the clumsiness that ALL of us humans struggle with (don't any of you lie to yourselves about this). :) Besides, I know one learns from mistakes, so I say "Give me another serving!".
Below are some photos of some of the folks I meet with in the group (which has been a therapy group for me in some respect), which I "borrowed" from Karen and Isa who posted them on the Facebook page:
Gail (Wilson?), me, Karen O'Brien, Isabel (Isa) Mengual, Mary Lou Leavitt, Ally (Vanderthalen?)
Me, (don't remember this lady's name), Karen, Alberto (don't know last name), Mary Lou and Ally
Isa and me
Nancy, me and Karen
Not quite ready for a picture
