All in all, I would say that my time in the NYSP has been the greatest catalyst in encouraging an objective and critical consideration of myself, my conduct toward others and my personal integrity. Have I faltered? Oh, yes! More times than I can count and in ways I admit are not ones I am proud to acknowledge. But acknowledge them I do, for two reasons. First, because everyone learns from mistakes that they have made and for which they take responsibility. No one can escape the human condition: fallable, inconsistent, contradictory. Second, because others see how you conduct yourself. You have the power to influence others when they see with what level of integrity you handle matters you are faced with. And integrity is really only being honest with oneself, which, if you are, prompts you to be honest with others. One is synonymous with the other if true honesty is what is in play. And truth leads to growth.
I feel I have "grown-up" in this organization, from naive to aware (and sometimes even savvy and wise), from meek to more ascertive, from undisciplined to a person with direction and who takes on responsibility for her own words and actions. There is no hint of perfection or self-importance I wish to portray myself as having. What I do wish others to consider me as is a person who makes mistakes but who is also ready to take responsiblity for them and as someone who does her work well, overall. Another motivation to be the best I can be is that I loathe getting crappy customer service. Trying to do to others what I would have done to me is a strong impetus to try to provide better than average customer service. (Especially since I know that the public perception of civil service workers is very poor. They expect poor service and get it frequently enough; I try to contribute as little to that stigma as I can. Some days I am successful, others no.)
Early on in my career, I did not have the feeling of connectedness and competence with my work that I feel now. For many years, it was just a job and a certain influence in my life made me feel that I was a contradiction: wanting to be a good person but working for a police agency (because that influence considered only the negative perception of such entities). I can finally say that I have come to love my job, truly, and am proud to be a part of the NYSP. Do I have shitty days? How could I not? Some days it is rough seeing the purpose in all of the activites that seem mostly to occur in circular pattern (day in and day out...the same kinds of complaints, the same complainants or their subsequent generation, the same bureaucracy to deal with within the agency, etc).
Finally, I'd like to say thank you to the folks I work with, because it is through interacting with them, especially, that I have come to see a reflection of my flaws and my virtues not only as an effective dispatcher, but as one who is still and constantly learning ways to be a better one.
